#15

"A sense of humor reduces people and problems to their proper proportions."-ARNOLD GLASOW

What gets in the way of you being clear?
I know what I already want to write, but I paused before starting. I started looking at pictures, trying to gather up some inspiration or courage to get out what I have to say. I realized that this is just a form of procrastination most of the time, I already have the courage to say what I wish within these lines.
I'm glad this question is being asked because it's something I need to confront.
One thing I've realized in my short human life is that sometimes people will never know how they've affected you. I use to think that people should always know what they've done to you, how they've changed you (whether that be good or bad), and just the impact they've had on your life. Reeling back in from my last encounters with Ryan, I realized that sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes without knowing, the two parties have two very different perceptions of what happened. Each person sticking true to what they felt in the demise of a friendship. I look back with so much love on that little confused being and I'm so grateful for whatever he is in my life. However, as of right now in the present day, he will never know how much he's hurt me. He will never know how much courage it took to tell him how I felt, how I pined for an entire year to understand emotions I couldn't comprehend. He won't know that I severed our professional relationship because in my gut I felt like that's what had to be done, because I knew that it would force us to progress. He'll never know that while he thought I abandoned him, I took it as I told him I cared about him and he stopped talking to me. That it wasn't the rejection that stung, but the loss of friendship. I can't be clear that it hurt me deeply and I would cry about it on more occasions then I'd like to share. I can't share that him returning after two months of not talking really fucked me up. That I couldn't share with him like I use to, because I didn't trust him. It was a foolish feeling, but my ego led me and I so blindly followed.
He'll never know that the last time I saw him, I watched him write on a piece of paper and I thought about what it'd be like to see his face in the morning and how my heart swelled. How I left that day with a, "See you around" and felt a sadness in my heart because I knew it was a day of acceptance of what was.
We aren't meant to be "real"friends, we're meant to be kept in bubbles for each other to float near when convenient.
I accept that he'll never know these things and that he may never let me tell him these things or want to know these things.
It just feels good to say them somewhere other than my head.
He was a person I cared about deeply, a person I never would've looked twice at, and learned to love. I learned to appreciate the things we connected on and the things that made me want to strangle him. I took the time to evaluate my response to certain things he said and the emotions that surged in events with him. I faced insecurities head on and admitted fears to myself. I felt real, genuine emotion and expressed it.
I would've made an effort with him and my affection had potential to grow.
It didn't work out and that's okay.
I enjoyed the experience even when all I could muster was anger.
We're just not meant to understand everything all the time and it's something I re-learn everyday.

One day I'd like him to know how much he's done to me and my life.
But for now, I'm happy you at least get to know.

I am learning.