#11

"Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside."-MATTHIEU RICHARD

Who is your hero?
What a powerful question and twenty minutes until my deadline to the next day!
Do I have a single hero or are there many? Do people shine as my heroes on some days and dim as my enemies on others? Of course. I find that my best of friends offer me some daily dose of inspiration and lift me up in times that I thought I'd never get off the ground. Being realistic though, it's the same friends that often find myself frustrated and needing to take a breather or two (...or three). Isn't that what the beauty of love is in some aspects? That no matter the trial of my friendships, on the most random of days, I can feel totally warmed by their love. Total strangers have become heroes. Those who display kindness in a stale world and those who strive for more than what they were given to start with. Jason Mraz isn't so much of a hero, but more of a guiding light. I started my journey of enlightenment after walking out of his set list of songs in NYC. So when the trail gets a little rocky, I look to him for the light. Sometimes it's not even in need a carrying melody, but simply a picture. Honestly, I think we can find a heroic quality in everyone if we try. Even if a stranger's eyes are pretty rare to these words..hell, you could be my hero.
Your digest the spew of this particular soul and we're sharing life together. What's not to admire about you?

I am loving.

#10

"Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate without fear."-PEMA CHODRON

What is something you could share?
Something that I could share..
Without thinking of obvious material choices, I'd like to say that I wish to share more of me. More of the deep layers that people can never seem to get past. The layers that people possibly don't even know exist. Those fragile sections of self filled with treasures that even I don't visit that often. Ever since Monique died, I felt that I have let myself slowly slip. Slowly releasing the consciousness and choice of good will and intention. I sank back into the old mold and lost motivation to yank myself out. Coming back to this space is step number one. The old ways don't work for me anymore. Seriously, they haven't in awhile but I'm just too much of a lazy creature at times to change. So yes, I would love to share the caring, nurturing, I care about you side of it all. Without the mask of sarcasm or the frequent rolling of eyes. I'd like to return to that feeling of unity and the warmth of love.
CHOOSING LOVE AND USING LOVE.

I am beginning.

# unknown (9)

"We are awakened to the profound realization that the true path to liberation is to let go of everything." -JACK KORNFIELD

What attachment can you release?
I flipped through the pages after reading this to find a question I was more comfortable answering. Truthfully though, I'm absolutely scared to answer all of them. I'm terrified of the effort to type these words, fearful of the blank pauses that have been on re-run in all forms of my writing, petrified maybe of what I just have to say.
The last time I wrote in this I was high off my visit to Akumal, Mexico and the adventures shared with my lovely Aunt and Uncle. I had discovered the powerful transformations of yoga in the care of an extraordinary teacher and I was still searching for the higher meaning and best version of myself. I was writing about my struggles with a recently acquired friend who I allowed to cross the bridge from professionalism. Later on, I would find out I struggled with many of my feelings towards him.
I'm not aware of the exact months since it's been that I've released words to this page but to my soul it feels like eons. I write these words as a completely lost being, suffering from the lack of courage to make better for herself. I find that I'm too jealous of writers that it retaliates in fear of writing my own words. My books collect dust and the soul suffers. The words are breath and for the longest time I have allowed myself to stop breathing.
Here is the beginning step to regaining that courage. I want to make better for myself and I want to be better for myself and to those I love and those whom I think I could never love.
So what attachments could I let go of?
I could let go of the attachments to the various ideas that there is a recipe to what makes something great. The idea that my English teacher doesn't think I'm a good writer anymore which effects the confidence I have within myself and the words. I could release into the universe the idea that I need Ryan in my possession to achieve my goals in fitness and well-being. Instead of utilizing the lessons he taught me and strengthening myself, I cower in fear in specific weeks of the month and feel that the pounds of flesh lay heavier without him.
I could also release Ryan all together. I hold onto him and the memory of our friendship. I think about resolutions and feel misty-eyed when I dream of possibilities. What I've learned is that you can love someone and absolutely let them go. I know apart of myself has let him go and the status of our union is what the universe calls for. It's the random recollections of memories that my toes cling to. I think of his smile and the way his laugh sounded over the phone.
I cannot hold on to him forever because whether I think consciously or not, I wait for him.

I just want the strength to change and the love to climb out of the rut I've dug.
I want to feel it in the depths of my heart that I would gladly chose love and use love.

I am determined.