"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."-SOMERSET MOUGHAM
If your life was a billboard, what would it look like or say?
This is simple, it would simply and very clearly say..
DO MORE THAN EXIST.
I am not waiting.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
#16
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-WILL ROGERS
What keeps you from asking for support?
I was just talking to my sister last night about how I wish I had more friends that wanted to do stuff. I want to taking cooking classes and I think it'd be nice to share that experience with a friend. I want to do this, I want to do that... and yet, when I think of who I could ask to join me, my mind goes blank. For the longest time in my life I thought that I was just waiting. Just waiting for the universe to part the skies and drop down a handful of people that would become my friends forever. At least that's what I told myself when my current friends seemed to not understand or get on my nerves.
In all honesty, it's me who sometimes don't know what I want or what kind of friend I wish to be. I sometimes have that miraculous ability to project the exact opposite of what I want. How can I expect someone to exude certain qualities in the relationship of friendship when I can't even have the courage to be the friend I wanna be? It appears to be a vicious cycle or at least my mind tells me it is.
I heard today on a church service my dad was watching that when people "walk away" from your life, it means that weren't meant to be apart of your destiny. While I think it's a little harsh, I feel there is some truth to it. We spend most of our lives seeking approval through friends, strangers, and family. We hardly ever ask ourselves throughout the day how we're feeling and even rarely wait long enough to hear the answer.
Today, I am doing absolutely okay.
I'm thinking about the people that have come and gone in my life and how I once thought they were meant to be around forever. Not that it was a bad thing to think that, but we sometimes forget that the natural progression of life applies to our own.
I'm blessed enough to have friends who know parts of me, none of me, and all of me. I cherish them in my own ways and try to find the love amidst the urge to strangle them at times.
I'm just lucky and what keeps me from asking for support is failing to realize that.
I am open.
-WILL ROGERS
What keeps you from asking for support?
I was just talking to my sister last night about how I wish I had more friends that wanted to do stuff. I want to taking cooking classes and I think it'd be nice to share that experience with a friend. I want to do this, I want to do that... and yet, when I think of who I could ask to join me, my mind goes blank. For the longest time in my life I thought that I was just waiting. Just waiting for the universe to part the skies and drop down a handful of people that would become my friends forever. At least that's what I told myself when my current friends seemed to not understand or get on my nerves.
In all honesty, it's me who sometimes don't know what I want or what kind of friend I wish to be. I sometimes have that miraculous ability to project the exact opposite of what I want. How can I expect someone to exude certain qualities in the relationship of friendship when I can't even have the courage to be the friend I wanna be? It appears to be a vicious cycle or at least my mind tells me it is.
I heard today on a church service my dad was watching that when people "walk away" from your life, it means that weren't meant to be apart of your destiny. While I think it's a little harsh, I feel there is some truth to it. We spend most of our lives seeking approval through friends, strangers, and family. We hardly ever ask ourselves throughout the day how we're feeling and even rarely wait long enough to hear the answer.
Today, I am doing absolutely okay.
I'm thinking about the people that have come and gone in my life and how I once thought they were meant to be around forever. Not that it was a bad thing to think that, but we sometimes forget that the natural progression of life applies to our own.
I'm blessed enough to have friends who know parts of me, none of me, and all of me. I cherish them in my own ways and try to find the love amidst the urge to strangle them at times.
I'm just lucky and what keeps me from asking for support is failing to realize that.
I am open.
Friday, November 12, 2010
#15
"A sense of humor reduces people and problems to their proper proportions."-ARNOLD GLASOW
What gets in the way of you being clear?
I know what I already want to write, but I paused before starting. I started looking at pictures, trying to gather up some inspiration or courage to get out what I have to say. I realized that this is just a form of procrastination most of the time, I already have the courage to say what I wish within these lines.
I'm glad this question is being asked because it's something I need to confront.
One thing I've realized in my short human life is that sometimes people will never know how they've affected you. I use to think that people should always know what they've done to you, how they've changed you (whether that be good or bad), and just the impact they've had on your life. Reeling back in from my last encounters with Ryan, I realized that sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes without knowing, the two parties have two very different perceptions of what happened. Each person sticking true to what they felt in the demise of a friendship. I look back with so much love on that little confused being and I'm so grateful for whatever he is in my life. However, as of right now in the present day, he will never know how much he's hurt me. He will never know how much courage it took to tell him how I felt, how I pined for an entire year to understand emotions I couldn't comprehend. He won't know that I severed our professional relationship because in my gut I felt like that's what had to be done, because I knew that it would force us to progress. He'll never know that while he thought I abandoned him, I took it as I told him I cared about him and he stopped talking to me. That it wasn't the rejection that stung, but the loss of friendship. I can't be clear that it hurt me deeply and I would cry about it on more occasions then I'd like to share. I can't share that him returning after two months of not talking really fucked me up. That I couldn't share with him like I use to, because I didn't trust him. It was a foolish feeling, but my ego led me and I so blindly followed.
He'll never know that the last time I saw him, I watched him write on a piece of paper and I thought about what it'd be like to see his face in the morning and how my heart swelled. How I left that day with a, "See you around" and felt a sadness in my heart because I knew it was a day of acceptance of what was.
We aren't meant to be "real"friends, we're meant to be kept in bubbles for each other to float near when convenient.
I accept that he'll never know these things and that he may never let me tell him these things or want to know these things.
It just feels good to say them somewhere other than my head.
He was a person I cared about deeply, a person I never would've looked twice at, and learned to love. I learned to appreciate the things we connected on and the things that made me want to strangle him. I took the time to evaluate my response to certain things he said and the emotions that surged in events with him. I faced insecurities head on and admitted fears to myself. I felt real, genuine emotion and expressed it.
I would've made an effort with him and my affection had potential to grow.
It didn't work out and that's okay.
I enjoyed the experience even when all I could muster was anger.
We're just not meant to understand everything all the time and it's something I re-learn everyday.
One day I'd like him to know how much he's done to me and my life.
But for now, I'm happy you at least get to know.
I am learning.
What gets in the way of you being clear?
I know what I already want to write, but I paused before starting. I started looking at pictures, trying to gather up some inspiration or courage to get out what I have to say. I realized that this is just a form of procrastination most of the time, I already have the courage to say what I wish within these lines.
I'm glad this question is being asked because it's something I need to confront.
One thing I've realized in my short human life is that sometimes people will never know how they've affected you. I use to think that people should always know what they've done to you, how they've changed you (whether that be good or bad), and just the impact they've had on your life. Reeling back in from my last encounters with Ryan, I realized that sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes without knowing, the two parties have two very different perceptions of what happened. Each person sticking true to what they felt in the demise of a friendship. I look back with so much love on that little confused being and I'm so grateful for whatever he is in my life. However, as of right now in the present day, he will never know how much he's hurt me. He will never know how much courage it took to tell him how I felt, how I pined for an entire year to understand emotions I couldn't comprehend. He won't know that I severed our professional relationship because in my gut I felt like that's what had to be done, because I knew that it would force us to progress. He'll never know that while he thought I abandoned him, I took it as I told him I cared about him and he stopped talking to me. That it wasn't the rejection that stung, but the loss of friendship. I can't be clear that it hurt me deeply and I would cry about it on more occasions then I'd like to share. I can't share that him returning after two months of not talking really fucked me up. That I couldn't share with him like I use to, because I didn't trust him. It was a foolish feeling, but my ego led me and I so blindly followed.
He'll never know that the last time I saw him, I watched him write on a piece of paper and I thought about what it'd be like to see his face in the morning and how my heart swelled. How I left that day with a, "See you around" and felt a sadness in my heart because I knew it was a day of acceptance of what was.
We aren't meant to be "real"friends, we're meant to be kept in bubbles for each other to float near when convenient.
I accept that he'll never know these things and that he may never let me tell him these things or want to know these things.
It just feels good to say them somewhere other than my head.
He was a person I cared about deeply, a person I never would've looked twice at, and learned to love. I learned to appreciate the things we connected on and the things that made me want to strangle him. I took the time to evaluate my response to certain things he said and the emotions that surged in events with him. I faced insecurities head on and admitted fears to myself. I felt real, genuine emotion and expressed it.
I would've made an effort with him and my affection had potential to grow.
It didn't work out and that's okay.
I enjoyed the experience even when all I could muster was anger.
We're just not meant to understand everything all the time and it's something I re-learn everyday.
One day I'd like him to know how much he's done to me and my life.
But for now, I'm happy you at least get to know.
I am learning.
Friday, November 5, 2010
#14
"Why indeed must "God" be a noun? Why not a verb...the most active and dynamic of all?"-MARY DALY
What are you hiding?
For the first time in weeks, months, possibly even an entire year I feel that I am out of hiding. I feel more courage and more confidence to slip outside of the hermit shell and embrace...simply, myself. I don't always feel good some days. I feel like hiding under the covers or saying negative things about myself. I feel like I'm unable to control those days and the moods that manipulate the strum of my vocal chords. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to tour the world and change something. It wasn't playing music that was so much important, but the opportunity to meet people and make a difference. At that time, I just thought music was the calling to change. When I was twelve, Good Charlotte brought me to my happy place. I think as we move through our journey we encounter a variety of things that simply allow us to feel ourselves again...or our souls, if you will. I would watch interviews, live performances, and watch the then twenty-somethings morph into charming men. I felt courage, felt possibilities, I felt what the soul had to say. Since then, I've gathered many other triggers to my happy place. It's something I'm grateful that I randomly find. However, it's been awhile since I felt it to a full extent. Where I felt like the message was clear and I was well enough to undertake the journey. Yesterday, out of blue I felt ready to let go of past feelings and to move forward. Certain things strike you when you least expect and you realize things you use to want with all your soul, aren't what you want anymore. Not that those people, places, or things aren't great but you understand that you just want more for yourself.
So ten years later from the age of twelve and with their new record out, I find myself watching Good Charlotte interviews again. I feel that happy place and the enthusiasm and energy I felt as a young kid.
I know the bad days come, but they also go.
So while they are away, I embrace it.
I am in view.
What are you hiding?
For the first time in weeks, months, possibly even an entire year I feel that I am out of hiding. I feel more courage and more confidence to slip outside of the hermit shell and embrace...simply, myself. I don't always feel good some days. I feel like hiding under the covers or saying negative things about myself. I feel like I'm unable to control those days and the moods that manipulate the strum of my vocal chords. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to tour the world and change something. It wasn't playing music that was so much important, but the opportunity to meet people and make a difference. At that time, I just thought music was the calling to change. When I was twelve, Good Charlotte brought me to my happy place. I think as we move through our journey we encounter a variety of things that simply allow us to feel ourselves again...or our souls, if you will. I would watch interviews, live performances, and watch the then twenty-somethings morph into charming men. I felt courage, felt possibilities, I felt what the soul had to say. Since then, I've gathered many other triggers to my happy place. It's something I'm grateful that I randomly find. However, it's been awhile since I felt it to a full extent. Where I felt like the message was clear and I was well enough to undertake the journey. Yesterday, out of blue I felt ready to let go of past feelings and to move forward. Certain things strike you when you least expect and you realize things you use to want with all your soul, aren't what you want anymore. Not that those people, places, or things aren't great but you understand that you just want more for yourself.
So ten years later from the age of twelve and with their new record out, I find myself watching Good Charlotte interviews again. I feel that happy place and the enthusiasm and energy I felt as a young kid.
I know the bad days come, but they also go.
So while they are away, I embrace it.
I am in view.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
#13
"Who I am is what I have to give. Quite simply, I must remember this is enough."-ANNE WILSON SCHAEF
What have you been avoiding taking on?
I avoid taking on the challenge of returning to the idea of being love. I feel that to survive in today's world and in a lot of my friendships I have to comment on other people. I have to feel aggravated constantly by other people. In my heart, I know that I don't want to be that way, but my mind tells me there is no other choice. When I would feel the urge to curse someone from inside my car, I would find the strength to bless them instead. I don't find that strength anymore.
I avoid a lot but God, I just want to say his name here.
Ryan.
I avoid taking on the loss of whatever he represented to me. I randomly deal with the loss of our friendship and resorting back to the way my life was before him. i find at times I blame myself for having to open my mouth, but know better and am glad that I didn't sweep my feelings under the rug. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I suppose I very well could, but stop myself at the risk of making things awkward. Awkward enough to be rejected from the situation, but to make it worse? No thanks.
Certain intervals of the day I feel absolutely okay in the status of where we are. I'm okay with the distance and small, meaningless conversation. Other times, I miss everything I use to feel. I don't remember what it was like to be around him or have him be apart of my life. Truthfully, I don't even want to write these words. I don't want anyone to see these grievances. They seem stupid, naive, and useless. i avoid taking on 85% of my emotions lately.
Today, I just don't know.
I am trying.
What have you been avoiding taking on?
I avoid taking on the challenge of returning to the idea of being love. I feel that to survive in today's world and in a lot of my friendships I have to comment on other people. I have to feel aggravated constantly by other people. In my heart, I know that I don't want to be that way, but my mind tells me there is no other choice. When I would feel the urge to curse someone from inside my car, I would find the strength to bless them instead. I don't find that strength anymore.
I avoid a lot but God, I just want to say his name here.
Ryan.
I avoid taking on the loss of whatever he represented to me. I randomly deal with the loss of our friendship and resorting back to the way my life was before him. i find at times I blame myself for having to open my mouth, but know better and am glad that I didn't sweep my feelings under the rug. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. I suppose I very well could, but stop myself at the risk of making things awkward. Awkward enough to be rejected from the situation, but to make it worse? No thanks.
Certain intervals of the day I feel absolutely okay in the status of where we are. I'm okay with the distance and small, meaningless conversation. Other times, I miss everything I use to feel. I don't remember what it was like to be around him or have him be apart of my life. Truthfully, I don't even want to write these words. I don't want anyone to see these grievances. They seem stupid, naive, and useless. i avoid taking on 85% of my emotions lately.
Today, I just don't know.
I am trying.
Monday, November 1, 2010
#12
"The way to love anything is to realize it may be lost."-G.K CHESTERON
What do you have an abundant supply of?
I missed a couple of questions due to homework and enjoying a day out with my friend but here I am back to the grind of gratitude. Over tea with my best friend, I realize how randomly I start to feel bummed out about things. She has recently been blessed with a touch of luck in love and is feeling the fruits of mutual affection. She deserves it so much and is worthy being treated like the wonderful being she is. I feel so happy for her, but like the selfish being I am at times it makes me feel my losses. Hearing her repeated words said by the man of her affection makes me think of my man lost. Lost somewhere in translation and my possible naive ability to let go. I think of him and the way his smile took up too much of his face. I feel absolutely okay with the status of where we are at, but I feel the muscles yearn for him at times. What am I holding on to? I simply wish to move forward, yet keep a piece of him. I don't want to lose a person forever simply because a falling out was had. I have an abundant supply of love even if at times I'm blissfully unaware of it. I love those my mind encourages me not to and my dreams further terrorize me into my grief. Can I just be truthful here? In the deepest part of me I feel hope for something. I hold on because something is still telling me to hold on. Sure, months from now I may lose that feeling but for now I just sigh patiently and listen. I don't turn down invitations or wait by my telephone. I just keep him in mind in certain times of the day. Maybe that means denying I'm waiting for him, maybe that means something more.
Whatever it is, a glimpse into the highest version of myself is apparent...
I am abundant in faith.
I am strong.
What do you have an abundant supply of?
I missed a couple of questions due to homework and enjoying a day out with my friend but here I am back to the grind of gratitude. Over tea with my best friend, I realize how randomly I start to feel bummed out about things. She has recently been blessed with a touch of luck in love and is feeling the fruits of mutual affection. She deserves it so much and is worthy being treated like the wonderful being she is. I feel so happy for her, but like the selfish being I am at times it makes me feel my losses. Hearing her repeated words said by the man of her affection makes me think of my man lost. Lost somewhere in translation and my possible naive ability to let go. I think of him and the way his smile took up too much of his face. I feel absolutely okay with the status of where we are at, but I feel the muscles yearn for him at times. What am I holding on to? I simply wish to move forward, yet keep a piece of him. I don't want to lose a person forever simply because a falling out was had. I have an abundant supply of love even if at times I'm blissfully unaware of it. I love those my mind encourages me not to and my dreams further terrorize me into my grief. Can I just be truthful here? In the deepest part of me I feel hope for something. I hold on because something is still telling me to hold on. Sure, months from now I may lose that feeling but for now I just sigh patiently and listen. I don't turn down invitations or wait by my telephone. I just keep him in mind in certain times of the day. Maybe that means denying I'm waiting for him, maybe that means something more.
Whatever it is, a glimpse into the highest version of myself is apparent...
I am abundant in faith.
I am strong.
Friday, October 29, 2010
#11
"Nothing goes right on the outside when nothing is going right on the inside."-MATTHIEU RICHARD
Who is your hero?
What a powerful question and twenty minutes until my deadline to the next day!
Do I have a single hero or are there many? Do people shine as my heroes on some days and dim as my enemies on others? Of course. I find that my best of friends offer me some daily dose of inspiration and lift me up in times that I thought I'd never get off the ground. Being realistic though, it's the same friends that often find myself frustrated and needing to take a breather or two (...or three). Isn't that what the beauty of love is in some aspects? That no matter the trial of my friendships, on the most random of days, I can feel totally warmed by their love. Total strangers have become heroes. Those who display kindness in a stale world and those who strive for more than what they were given to start with. Jason Mraz isn't so much of a hero, but more of a guiding light. I started my journey of enlightenment after walking out of his set list of songs in NYC. So when the trail gets a little rocky, I look to him for the light. Sometimes it's not even in need a carrying melody, but simply a picture. Honestly, I think we can find a heroic quality in everyone if we try. Even if a stranger's eyes are pretty rare to these words..hell, you could be my hero.
Your digest the spew of this particular soul and we're sharing life together. What's not to admire about you?
I am loving.
Who is your hero?
What a powerful question and twenty minutes until my deadline to the next day!
Do I have a single hero or are there many? Do people shine as my heroes on some days and dim as my enemies on others? Of course. I find that my best of friends offer me some daily dose of inspiration and lift me up in times that I thought I'd never get off the ground. Being realistic though, it's the same friends that often find myself frustrated and needing to take a breather or two (...or three). Isn't that what the beauty of love is in some aspects? That no matter the trial of my friendships, on the most random of days, I can feel totally warmed by their love. Total strangers have become heroes. Those who display kindness in a stale world and those who strive for more than what they were given to start with. Jason Mraz isn't so much of a hero, but more of a guiding light. I started my journey of enlightenment after walking out of his set list of songs in NYC. So when the trail gets a little rocky, I look to him for the light. Sometimes it's not even in need a carrying melody, but simply a picture. Honestly, I think we can find a heroic quality in everyone if we try. Even if a stranger's eyes are pretty rare to these words..hell, you could be my hero.
Your digest the spew of this particular soul and we're sharing life together. What's not to admire about you?
I am loving.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
#10
"Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate without fear."-PEMA CHODRON
What is something you could share?
Something that I could share..
Without thinking of obvious material choices, I'd like to say that I wish to share more of me. More of the deep layers that people can never seem to get past. The layers that people possibly don't even know exist. Those fragile sections of self filled with treasures that even I don't visit that often. Ever since Monique died, I felt that I have let myself slowly slip. Slowly releasing the consciousness and choice of good will and intention. I sank back into the old mold and lost motivation to yank myself out. Coming back to this space is step number one. The old ways don't work for me anymore. Seriously, they haven't in awhile but I'm just too much of a lazy creature at times to change. So yes, I would love to share the caring, nurturing, I care about you side of it all. Without the mask of sarcasm or the frequent rolling of eyes. I'd like to return to that feeling of unity and the warmth of love.
CHOOSING LOVE AND USING LOVE.
I am beginning.
What is something you could share?
Something that I could share..
Without thinking of obvious material choices, I'd like to say that I wish to share more of me. More of the deep layers that people can never seem to get past. The layers that people possibly don't even know exist. Those fragile sections of self filled with treasures that even I don't visit that often. Ever since Monique died, I felt that I have let myself slowly slip. Slowly releasing the consciousness and choice of good will and intention. I sank back into the old mold and lost motivation to yank myself out. Coming back to this space is step number one. The old ways don't work for me anymore. Seriously, they haven't in awhile but I'm just too much of a lazy creature at times to change. So yes, I would love to share the caring, nurturing, I care about you side of it all. Without the mask of sarcasm or the frequent rolling of eyes. I'd like to return to that feeling of unity and the warmth of love.
CHOOSING LOVE AND USING LOVE.
I am beginning.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
# unknown (9)
"We are awakened to the profound realization that the true path to liberation is to let go of everything." -JACK KORNFIELD
What attachment can you release?
I flipped through the pages after reading this to find a question I was more comfortable answering. Truthfully though, I'm absolutely scared to answer all of them. I'm terrified of the effort to type these words, fearful of the blank pauses that have been on re-run in all forms of my writing, petrified maybe of what I just have to say.
The last time I wrote in this I was high off my visit to Akumal, Mexico and the adventures shared with my lovely Aunt and Uncle. I had discovered the powerful transformations of yoga in the care of an extraordinary teacher and I was still searching for the higher meaning and best version of myself. I was writing about my struggles with a recently acquired friend who I allowed to cross the bridge from professionalism. Later on, I would find out I struggled with many of my feelings towards him.
I'm not aware of the exact months since it's been that I've released words to this page but to my soul it feels like eons. I write these words as a completely lost being, suffering from the lack of courage to make better for herself. I find that I'm too jealous of writers that it retaliates in fear of writing my own words. My books collect dust and the soul suffers. The words are breath and for the longest time I have allowed myself to stop breathing.
Here is the beginning step to regaining that courage. I want to make better for myself and I want to be better for myself and to those I love and those whom I think I could never love.
So what attachments could I let go of?
I could let go of the attachments to the various ideas that there is a recipe to what makes something great. The idea that my English teacher doesn't think I'm a good writer anymore which effects the confidence I have within myself and the words. I could release into the universe the idea that I need Ryan in my possession to achieve my goals in fitness and well-being. Instead of utilizing the lessons he taught me and strengthening myself, I cower in fear in specific weeks of the month and feel that the pounds of flesh lay heavier without him.
I could also release Ryan all together. I hold onto him and the memory of our friendship. I think about resolutions and feel misty-eyed when I dream of possibilities. What I've learned is that you can love someone and absolutely let them go. I know apart of myself has let him go and the status of our union is what the universe calls for. It's the random recollections of memories that my toes cling to. I think of his smile and the way his laugh sounded over the phone.
I cannot hold on to him forever because whether I think consciously or not, I wait for him.
I just want the strength to change and the love to climb out of the rut I've dug.
I want to feel it in the depths of my heart that I would gladly chose love and use love.
I am determined.
What attachment can you release?
I flipped through the pages after reading this to find a question I was more comfortable answering. Truthfully though, I'm absolutely scared to answer all of them. I'm terrified of the effort to type these words, fearful of the blank pauses that have been on re-run in all forms of my writing, petrified maybe of what I just have to say.
The last time I wrote in this I was high off my visit to Akumal, Mexico and the adventures shared with my lovely Aunt and Uncle. I had discovered the powerful transformations of yoga in the care of an extraordinary teacher and I was still searching for the higher meaning and best version of myself. I was writing about my struggles with a recently acquired friend who I allowed to cross the bridge from professionalism. Later on, I would find out I struggled with many of my feelings towards him.
I'm not aware of the exact months since it's been that I've released words to this page but to my soul it feels like eons. I write these words as a completely lost being, suffering from the lack of courage to make better for herself. I find that I'm too jealous of writers that it retaliates in fear of writing my own words. My books collect dust and the soul suffers. The words are breath and for the longest time I have allowed myself to stop breathing.
Here is the beginning step to regaining that courage. I want to make better for myself and I want to be better for myself and to those I love and those whom I think I could never love.
So what attachments could I let go of?
I could let go of the attachments to the various ideas that there is a recipe to what makes something great. The idea that my English teacher doesn't think I'm a good writer anymore which effects the confidence I have within myself and the words. I could release into the universe the idea that I need Ryan in my possession to achieve my goals in fitness and well-being. Instead of utilizing the lessons he taught me and strengthening myself, I cower in fear in specific weeks of the month and feel that the pounds of flesh lay heavier without him.
I could also release Ryan all together. I hold onto him and the memory of our friendship. I think about resolutions and feel misty-eyed when I dream of possibilities. What I've learned is that you can love someone and absolutely let them go. I know apart of myself has let him go and the status of our union is what the universe calls for. It's the random recollections of memories that my toes cling to. I think of his smile and the way his laugh sounded over the phone.
I cannot hold on to him forever because whether I think consciously or not, I wait for him.
I just want the strength to change and the love to climb out of the rut I've dug.
I want to feel it in the depths of my heart that I would gladly chose love and use love.
I am determined.
Friday, February 5, 2010
#8
"In everything do to others, as you would have them do to you, for this is the law of the Prophets." -MATTHEW 7:11-13
What is your biggest surprise in life?
How does one even start this? I'd like to say that some of my biggest surprises is when I've found myself more forgiving, more loving, more compassionate, more giving, more understanding than I ever thought I could be. Defying the boundaries that my mind and it's idea of who I am have placed on me. On the contrary, my biggest surprise also is how quickly it is to fall back into that state. To be the person my mind has grown accustomed to being. That judgmental, quickly irritable person who gets so wound up in her head and the little things in life. Sometimes I just think to myself, "Tomorrow I'll start being present....Tomorrow I'll stop thinking about this or that." The past is a memory and the present is a fantasy, all I truly have is right now. That is one of the hardest concepts for humans to grasp.
Today, I wasn't fully the person I'd like to be.
I accept that.
I am flawed and I am on my journey.
I can't keep breaking myself down when I fumble.
The biggest surprise in my life is the grace and support of everything around me, even the soul.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
#7
"Faith begins as an experiment and ends as an experience." - W.R Inge
If you were to make a request of a friend for money, whom would you ask?
These seems like an almost ironic question to answer. I am grateful for the being I am, soaked up in flaws, and radiating in beauty. Sometimes though, my mind tackles and the human condition thickens. I've been told on many occasions how seemingly care-free I am. A slight raise of the shoulders is the only opinion I can muster in regards to choice of restaurant or approval of plans. I'm ready for the journey wherever that may take me!
However, if there is one thing I worry about it's finances.
Money is the thing I can't really find words for. I find no real overall spiritual value for it and don't acclimate my life in order to shovel it in.
Recently, I've been in a tight spot. Not shying away from my responsibility in this said "tight"spot, yet I feel the strain of the financial worry.
My mom suggested that I ask my Dad or two different Aunts for assistance.
I was quick to dig a hole, throw that idea in there, and cover it up.
Why do I find such an uprise in stubbornness in the thought of asking for help?
Surely, I would want people to be able to ask me for help.
It's the mind ticking and it's during these difficult times that prove the real challenge for my journey.
While sitting in pranayama,mantra, and meditation class in Akumal, my teacher stated that sometimes we get uncomfortable sitting the same position for a long period of time but he saw this as practice for sitting on the difficult things in our lives.
If that's the case, I'm the most restless creature.
It's easy to be the person you want to be when your away from your life.
The task is letting your soul be who it really is. Trust in it's courage in everywhere you are.
This is where I am at on my journey and in accepting and facing these challenges, I am open to receiving as much assistance as possible.
Sit still and breathe.
Thank you for being you.
I am grateful.
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