#6

"Perception is a learned phenomenon." -Deepak Chopra

Who are you scared to love?

Upon first glancing at this question I thought to myself, "I'm not scared to love anybody."

However, I find resistance in my life in the most unexpected places.

I challenge myself but am scared to love the people I don't understand.

The mannerisms I turn away from.

The point of view that aims in the opposite direction.

I challenge myself to love these things, these people, and yet sometimes I fall so terribly short.

One of my best friends is such a unique, fruitful personality.  We don't always see eye to eye and at times take a break from our friendship to rejuvenate ourselves.  Last week, I thought to myself that maybe this wasn't right in my life.  Maybe the time for this friendship was over.  Friday night I challenged myself to feel the love I know I have for this person.  I feel asleep that night overwhelmed with feeling even sending her a text, "I just wanted you to know I'm grateful for you."  I spend all of Saturday with this wonderful creature enjoying life and enjoying friendship.  Yes, we may not agree on everything and our priorities in life may not be similar but love is such a magical thing.  It sheds light on the darkness of your own ego and radiates through the other end. It is when I live too much in my own head that I am scared to love people. I find that I'm totally content living my life in my room, surrounded in books.

But the real love is out there IN  the people because we are not human beings living

a spiritual experience but extraordinary spiritual beings living a HUMAN experience.

Everything I know, I know because I LOVE.

#5

"We are chemists in the laboratory of the Infinite.  What, then shall we create?" - Ernest Holmes

Say out loud to yourself three times in the mirror:

"I love and accept myself for everything I am and everything I am not."

With my birthday fast approaching this year, I think about my attitude towards it.  I've always been very apprehensive about birthdays, only have one real birthday party in my life, and only getting excited about it when I was younger because I gave out cookies to my class.

What I wish the most for my birthday is to just be able to give to people.  To buy them presents, take them to dinner, and yet anytime I suggest that I get looked at like I just asked to sacrifice their first born.  Giving is just what makes me happy.  I was only stoked on my roller-skating party in the 90s because it's what the kids my age enjoyed  to do and I gave them the opportunity to do so.  I liked handing out Jingles cookies because what kid in elementary school is fascinated and overjoyed by the idea of eating cookies in class?  As I got older and I ceased to do those things, I would just wish for my birthday to be over.   Now almost twenty-one years physically rooted into the earth, I feel so much more grateful for the day.  Not just grateful for being born but grateful for the body that houses me.  I'm grateful that it keeps working, consistently functions, and gives my soul a place to lay it's head.  

After leaving my eye appointment on the 3rd, I replayed in my head what the doctor said about being blessed with healthy eyes except for the common flaws of nearsightedness and astigmatism.   Listening to that conversation in my head again, I felt my eyes water.  Just for the fact that I was grateful to my eyes for serving me so well.  I find joy in the gym because I feel it's my way of thanking my organs, skin, and veins for being as magical as they are.  So in harmony with the above quote from Plenty of Time today, I am grateful for my birthday because I'm grateful for who I am, who I am not, and who I get to be.

I am rejuvenated.

#4

"Minds were designed for carrying out the orders of the heart." -Emmanuel

Remember you are not the chatter in your head, you are the one who is listening to it.

Not so much a question as a statement that I've been needing to hear.  The past few days have been such a far cry from the person I strive to be it leaves me exhausted, emotionless, and on the verge of tears.  I don't want to be the person that damns people from the inside of her car, gets irritated when more people come into her job, finds a flaw in another and points it out.  These are all things I don't want to be, I know that I'm not, and yet I've indulged in aimlessly throughout the past few days.  Sometimes I think I don't really know how to talk to people.  I love them, I am fascinated by them, but if you aren't interested in the same things- what is there to talk about?

I'm surrounded by people who all have different views, different interests, and different levels of awareness of themselves.  How do you talk about being love and how you wish to lift people up and bring the positive to all situations when everyone else isn't reading the same book?

It's in these moments that I find it hard to connect and my ego decides then it's time to succumb and become more  like them.

I judge, I'm angry, I'm miserable.

All because I'm conscious of the fact that these attributes aren't me.

I've always thought that one day I would meet people who would inspire me to grow, to love, to be the person I always wanted to be.

People who got excited about gratitude and working with/helping/talking to people.  People who still believed that love was the most powerful thing and that it was everywhere and involved everything.

I catch myself waiting for these people to enter my life when instead I should be brave enough to be the person I know I am in every situation.

This entry is long and spewed aimlessly.

I'm just disappointed in myself.

I am thriving.

#3 four days late

"I come to not entertain you with worldly festivities but to arouse your sleeping memory of immortality." -Paramahansa Yogananda

Where are you loving bigger than the circumstance?

I feel myself loving even at the simple most interactions with people.  When I share a laugh with someone, a connecting moment, or a smile; I feel the affection in my heart. Even in the midst of a disagreement, I remind my competitive body that the love is still there. When I ask strangers about there day, I love them enough to want to hear the genuine answer.  I use to think that the beginning of friendships was the most exciting and as the years go by, there is less to learn and less to be fascinated by.  However true that the beginning of the courtship of friendship is extremely magical, friendships survived by the years are a true source of beauty and love.  There is never enough you could know about a person. I feel myself always evolving, always changing, sometimes at a constant where I can't even catch up.  Love doesn't get old, predictable, or finish your sentences for you.  It's a constant experience of realization.  It has been a true test for me as of late.  To love even when the circumstance is ballooning up with the fumes of negative energy.  To love even when you've been working six days straight and you just want to sink beneath your sheets until the next millenium.  It's finding your love through your ego that helps you grow.

When I first read this question, I thought of one person.

I see them consistently but in controlled situations.

I feel the joy in my heart when I'm in this person's presence.

I don't know if the circumstance calls for the label of friendship, but

I love this person anyway and am happy to share small portions of this greater thing called life with them.

I am being love.

#2

"May you live all the days of your life."  -Jonathan Swift

How has life prepared you for now?

I've read a lot of books that give me different views.  Some say life is a school, that everything is a learning experience, others say it's just something we deal with before we die, and others say that life isn't a school but a place for us to remember who we really are in the midst of things we are not.   I take pieces of each of these views and form my own.   Creative Visualization is something that I dabble in when trying to sort out explanations.  We aren't just skin and bones but boundless amounts of energy.  We produce thoughts, feelings, requests that we send out into the universe, may we be conscious of it or not, and the universe sends us something back.  Sometimes it's not as apparent or handed over in a silver platter.  Sometimes it's in the verse of a song or in the book you just picked up by chance.  I still have more theories to pencil out and try to make sense of, but for the most part I deal with my experiences in such manners.   Life is a school where we get to practice, through the experiences we deal with, the process of remembering who we really are.  I've faced heartbreak, loss, love, and pain in my life.  At times thinking that I was never going to make it through.  I'm ten months into one of the greatest losses of my life so far. Yet, I  feel strong and prepared to deal with the rest.  I feel confidant, abundant, and willingly to shovel out the love and kindness that roots me to the stars, the universe, and if you wish, God.

Happiness isn't brought on by experiences, words, or circumstance.

It's a choice.

How will you see the things that come into your life?

How will you challenge  and question yourself and who do you get to be?

I am eternally blessed.

#1

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." -H.G Wells

What is one core belief you have about life that you love?

Hidden deep beneath the labels we process things through, there is joy everywhere.  

Each moment experienced, survived, and gifted to us is nothing that we haven't taken part in creating.  No matter if your belief is in a deity of the simple wonders of the universe.  It's apparent that whether we are conscious to the manifestation process or not, something listens and delivers.

the beginning

I created this blog in hopes to find myself again.

To find, feel, and be myself again.

I will take one question from Terces Engelhart's, "Plenty of Time" every day and simply answer it.

To nourish the delicate rawness of love,care,and kindness that roots my soul.

I lose so much of these things daily because I feel the negativity surrounding me, indulge in the negativity I create, and crumble beneath the burdens I hold.

I choose these steps to uncovering the human,being, soul underneath all the mess.

Because in the end, it's not what I have to do ; it's who I get to be.